Author: samuelabbottiii

What if there’s no God?

Well, that would be rather inconvenient, wouldn’t it?

Or would it? When I think about my life, this is an area that I had no difficulty subscribing to when I was in my early twenties. I’m what you’d call a “firm believer.”

When I got sober, there was a choice about whether or not I wanted to do what was suggested to me. I did what was suggested to me. Of some consequence, it’s been nearly twelve years and I can still refer to back then as “when I got sober.”

But what if it wasn’t true? It’s an interesting thing to consider.

Let me first begin by considering how my belief would have been in vain, yet, would seem to have achieved a great effect nonetheless.

Could that be possible? At face value, I’m inclined to think that it could be possible. I’ve attributed my ability to not drink and not use drugs to this power, which I’ve learned to call God. For the record, I’m not particularly religious, but I do hold many of the same values and, likely, the same beliefs as someone who would consider themselves religious. I just haven’t been to a church in a while. I did grow up in one, and I frankly have a longing to return to one. I miss the comfort of religion. We’ve identified that much bias, at least.

I’ve prayed most days for those eleven-and-some-odd years. Early on in my sobriety, my prayers were largely centered around God keeping me sober. I was encouraged to pray, asking God to relieve me of the obsession to drink and use drugs.

This was early on and I took to it with vigor. The effect this seemed to have, was that I no longer obsessed with drugs and alcohol. This is a thing commonly heard in the circles I participate in. Is it possible that the ‘group therapy’ effect of twelve-step meetings coupled with working with a twelve-step sponsor was actually what relieved me of this obsession to drink and use drugs? Sure.

It’s even possible that it was something else altogether.

One exercise I did in my third year-ish of sobriety, was to write responses to the questions, “If God is everything, what are you afraid of?” and, “If God is nothing, what are you afraid of?” This writing exercise was conveniently preceded by an admittance that I was powerless over alcohol and drugs—that there was nothing I could do to control my addiction to these things. I needed something outside of myself.

I recall the exercise proving worthwhile, though I don’t recall the answers I provided. I imagine the latter (most relevant here) spoke to my utter fucked-ness because of my own admittance that I couldn’t stay sober (or manage my life) on my own. I needed God. So, if there was no God, I’m screwed.

My interest in riffing on this notion today is less concerned with science than philosophy. The belief that I’ve developed over the years around God and God taking care of me has been, if nothing else, very convenient. It hasn’t done much to hurt or disable me in my life, to my knowledge. I suppose I can’t know whether there is or there isn’t a God. I can point to experiences that I’ve had (like the obsession to drink being removed) that strongly suggest there is something to this (although, it could have been the power of self-affirmation!).

So, what does that then say about the power of belief?

Maybe belief is all that was required for me. Maybe belief is more powerful than I’ve given it credit for.

Maybe it doesn’t matter all that much whether God exists or doesn’t exist. And I suppose God is somewhat subjective because of the inability to prove God’s existence.

I’ve long believed that God is beyond definition. I learned this pretty early on (before the writing exercise mentioned above). It was suggested to me that if I define God, I’ll thereby put limitations on it and on its power. Earlier on still I was told that my God could be whatever I wanted it to be.

This all suggests that belief in something is more important than belief in what’s real or actual. But what I’ve believed in has worked out for me—it’s continuously aligned over the years without contradiction.

Part of my belief has been that this thing, God, has the perfect plan for me and is ultimately in control of everything. A sort of Spinozian determinism but with a God that’s not disinterested. When it comes to bigger questions of why God would drop the roof of a church on a church full of worshippers,1 I’ve had to concede that I just don’t understand God and how God works. In my mind, I’ve, at moments of consideration such as those, thought that bad things have to happen too—that there’s purpose in everything. I’ve never held with people who believed that God doesn’t impose cruelty on people. While I don’t like to think that God is indifferent to us, I do believe that bad things have to happen too. But it’s easier for me to consider God as having a more comprehensive and perfect perspective on things, where I’m mired by a perspective biased by the notions of good and evil.

In this way, religion has its limitations. Any Christian-based religion and most others I’m aware of other than perhaps Buddhism, believe in good and evil. In the absence of that belief, church roofs fall on people because they fall on people. People lose their houses to foreclosure because they lose their houses to foreclosure. Not because God is cruel or benevolent.

So, what does that have to do with my perfect plan?

It tells me that nothing is off-limits. That anything can still happen, perfect plan notwithstanding.

So, then what’s the benefit of the perfect plan? I imagine the benefit is that I believe it’s all purposeful, even when I can’t possibly imagine how it could ever be such.

I keep turning to this thing for guidance. I follow what I believe is intuition when it’s received. I do my best to be a good person and seek to always grow and do better. I enjoy the ride, best I can.

  1. Nod to Hannibal Lecter. ↩︎

Stockholm Fear

We did that thing together?

I had a lot of fun. I can’t remember her name though.

I never asked for it. I never gave her mine, I never said a word.

How badly I wanted to.

No matter how many opportunities I pursue, there are always still so many that I allow to escape.

She was one.

She may have rejected me.

Had she done so though, I wouldn’t be thinking about her now.

Maybe I would. Love is tough.

It’s tough to understand. It may be impossible to understand.

Dating is tough. Though, dating is fun.

Most fun things have tough elements. I’m not sure if most fun things would be fun if they weren’t tough.

She wouldn’t have been into me anyway, I thought.

My intuition had a different opinion.

My insecurities yell pretty loudly at me though.

They boss me around quite a bit. More so with women than with anything else.

They don’t want me to.

My intuition is getting stronger. My trust in it is still weak compared to the insecurities. I trust them like a captive trusts their captor.

I stumble along. Sometimes I parade forward, and other days I crawl backwards.

I’m not perfect today. I wasn’t yesterday either.

Were you?

Why Must I

Why must I come to you in sincerity and slander another person whom I regard as friend?
Is it not so that I might find validation in you telling me that my behaviors were rational, and that my friend’s were not?
Why must I complain to you about those in my life who challenge me or cause me difficulties?
Is it not a reflection of one of the many defective aspects of my character, in which I fear confronting them about it? Is it but another fault of mine to, instead, further burden you with these troubles of mine?
Why must I speak to you about strangers in a way that makes them seem like lowly insects crawling at our feet?
For am I not a stranger to those whom I walk about while I am alone? And what of me demanding your attention, in such a way, as to make you feel as though you must agree with my arrogance?
For in disagreement, silent or spoken, have I not now made you feel lonely while in my presence?
Why must I attempt to convince you, by any means and about anything, that you are indeed wrong? Yet, I generously allow myself to be seen, in unspoken deduction, as right.
For am I not seeking a similar validation as before, only now instead of being right where others were wrong, I want to be right and for you to be wrong.
Why, why must I exhaust myself in trying only to prove that I am so? For am I not good enough as I be?
Or, is it that my outward expression of selfishness is merely an attempt to convince the only one who needs convincing: me?
But what then must I try to convince myself of? Surely, it isn’t only this meager notion of being good enough, for what then is enough?
Or, is nothing ever enough? Am I to continuously seek to build myself up to a standard of infinity?
How sad of an existence I am destined then, desiring to be the best out of everyone that ever did, yet unable to believe the delusion that I am.
And you…
Poor you.
For you are one of few left who, walks with me despite my many shortcomings and my vain attempts to manipulate you.

Time

He said we were running out of time, yet in judging our allowance of dissatisfaction, it seemed to him that we behaved as though we might live forever.
He said that for many of us, death already had taken the majority of our years; that all those behind us were the possession of it.

He questioned why we still seemed to unnecessarily partake in these activities that brought us no fulfillment, no joy, no deep sense of purpose.

Was it because we were denying what had been viewed as ineludible, or was it because of some masochistic sense of obligation?

He asked whether or not many of us spent most of our time doing things we did not enjoy.

There were some solemn head nods, but it was otherwise silent.

He went on to ask why we chose to spend the most valuable resource we possessed, pursuing objects that brought us only fleeting satisfaction.

This question seemed more obviously rhetorical than the last.

He boldly said that he challenged us to acknowledge that we were going to die, and that it would be sooner than later.

The silence became stark.
It was as though the Grim Reality had finally received recognition from a people whom it had desired to advise for a long time.
One could almost feel its satisfaction in the air, yet the crowd remained motionless, listening not moving. It was as though their watches stopped ticking and time stood still; an irony to defy the lesson being taught.

The thought of my terminally ill father flashed into my mind.

He asked what then we were going to do. 

He asked if we must still be in a fervent pursuit for more, or if we could appreciate that which we were already in possession.
He encouraged us with the counterintuitive mention that it is this denial of our finite lives that causes the suffering and detriment we experience.

He concluded in saying that if we would only periodically remind ourselves of our inevitable fate, we might be so fortunate to live lives of meager regret.

5 Quick Tips To Make You Want to Get Up In The First Place

5 Quick Tips To Make You Want to Get Up In The First Place

Too many of us struggle with getting out of bed in the morning. It is no fun to wake up and immediately be in rush-mode; I know because I spent plenty of my life there. Here are a few tricks to help you want to get up earlier, not just help you wake up when the alarm goes off.



1. Do Whatever You Want– Nobody wants to get out of bed in the morning–unless they have something they enjoy doing when they wake up. Don’t base your interest in getting everything together as fast as you can and scurrying out the door to work. Nobody wants to get out of bed to go to work. Ehh. What are some thing that you enjoy doing that you can do in the beginning of your day? Read a book, write in a journal, drawing or some other form of creative expression. Maybe you’re the type that realizes there is some satisfaction in getting a couple chores done first thing, so you can relax later. Maybe you have spiritual practice, or want to, but never have the time. Make the time in the morning for your meditation or prayer or reflection. Do whatever you want to do in the morning. Make it your time. If you have kids and this makes this impossible, then you could get up before they do.

2. Go to Bed!- Nobody wants to get up in the morning when they’re exhausted. There’s a brilliant solution to this enormous dilemma: go to bed already! Jeez. What’s your excuse? I’ve had them all. The truth is that if you want to have an easier time getting up in the morning, you need to have some sort of bedtime. The only way to avoid the bedtime is if you don’t have obligations in the morning. Unfortunately, most of us will have to go to work for someone, or you’ll have to get the kids to school, or whatever else. If this is the case, experiment a little and determine how much sleep you need to be fully functional. I’m not a doctor, so I won’t talk matter-of-factly about sleep cycles and requirements. I will say that I’ve tried many different amounts of time, and as of late I’ve just been doing the boring old recommendation of eight hours per night. My suggestion would be to do at least seven, but I’m sure many of you would argue that. If you say you can’t make time for sleep, then you’re probably lying to yourself. Being too busy for things that matter to you is simply having a lack of priority. Don’t fall into this trap like so many of us do. If sleep means a lot to you, and you don’t want to feel like shit everyday when you wake up, make it a priority.

3. Set the Intention– You ever heard that popular adage about how your morning starts the night before? Guess what? It’s not a coincidence that so many people say this. The idea is to go to bed with the intention of looking forward to waking up. Do you ever remember being tired on Christmas morning as a kid? Yeah me neither. You were excited to wake up because of what the following day had in store for you. What’s different now? I understand if your not the poster-child for optimism. But if you’re living a life where you dread your days because of work or other things, you’re probably going to need more life adjustment than only getting a good night’s sleep. That’s not to say that sleep isn’t a good place to start though. Set the intention of waking up because you want to. This ties in with the first suggestion of doing what you want in the morning. Be excited to do those things. Reclaim this small portion of your life, and set the intention of reclaiming the rest of your life after that.

4. Raise the Stakes– How badly do you want to wake up? The most effective method I can recommend is to find some friends with the same problem, (this shouldn’t be hard to do) and begin a little accountability betting pool. Everybody checks in with a picture of themselves fully dressed in a group text message or some other means. You might use Facebook Messenger, or Google+, or something else. Everybody checks in every day, at or before their time. For every day that someone misses, they owe five dollars to the pool. At the end of a month or longer, whoever has the least misses takes the pool. This will motivate you socially from not wanting to look bad; it will motivate you in the sense of not wanting to lose your money; it will motivate you in the sense of wanting to win the total amount. This trifecta of motivation will not only make it interesting, but it will also ensure that you get your butt out of bed.

5. Finally, I’ll recommend the more common suggestions that will help you to wake up once you’re out of bed. These are the sorts of things typically recommended on these types of posts. They certainly have their place, but the above suggestions will not only wake you up, but give you more of a desire to wake up in the first place. Don’t just treat the symptom, get to the cause.



– Put the alarm clock across the room. This won’t allow you to roll over and hit the snooze button; you’ll have to get on your feet.

– Have a glass of water waiting for you by the alarm clock. Drink the entire glass, then go fill it up cold and drink that one. Your body is dehydrated after so many hours of not drinking. This has many additional benefits, but most importantly it will make you noticeably more awake.

– Rinse your face with cold water. Do I need to explain the benefit of this?

– Get dressed in your clothes for the day. If you are a person who doesn’t shower first thing in the morning, get dressed in the clothes you plan to wear. If you are a person who showers in the morning, shower. You might rinse quickly with cold water after you’re all cleaned up. It will definitely wake you up.

– Get some fresh air. Take five minutes or so and stand outside. Just breath in the fresh air. If it’s early morning it will probably be a little chilly outside; all the better. Too many of us neglect being outside. Take a moment and get a little of the day in your lungs.
What other tricks do you use to help in either wanting to get up or in actually waking up once you get moving? Please take a quick moment and share below. 
Best!